


Eyes too loud to deny.

by Septic84



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Friends With Benefits, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sad Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-08 04:50:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18887515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Septic84/pseuds/Septic84
Summary: Phil never could never ignore the pleading of Dan's eyes.





	Eyes too loud to deny.

He met brown eyes; they held a glint of desire he had become trained to recognize and knew he couldn't resist. He knew that doing this was a mistake, again, but he couldn't stop.  
“Let's just drink a little.” The tall curly haired boy slowly moved closer to him, holding bottles of inhibited judgment initiators. This is how it started.  
“We really shouldn't, it never ends well.” He looked away, he knew those eyes held the weakness he would inevitably succumb to. “Ever. It's a really bad idea.”  
“Please,” He uttered. “Just a few,”  
“Dan,”  
He held his hands up. “Don't. Please. I need this.”  
Phil always had a weak spot for pleading Dan and that is how two bottles later they were clawing at each other, desperate to rid the clothing that felt like a prison. The earlier concerns were now forgotten as heated kissing and touches became more frantic.  
“You're so hot, Phil.” Dan groaned as his shirt came off. “Please, touch me.”  
“Fuck,” Phil groaned, Dan was hot too. He always had been.  
After, Phil held Dan as he always had. This wasn't the first time wine led to post-coitus cuddling. The problem was that's all it was. It wasn't like Phil didn't enjoy sex with Dan, it was always fantastic, but it meant something entirely different. Phil loved Dan, but he wasn't in love with him and he knew every time this happened it was making things worse. Still, Phil had yet to learn how to say no to Dan. As he knew Dan so well, Phil could see the emotion behind the request. He knew it wasn't really about the sex at all. Dan was like a man starved, ravenous for contact. The look of dejection when Phil tried to prevent them from ending up here, naked clinging to each other, made Phil's heart ache. He knew he couldn't fully give Dan what he needed, but maybe he could ease his pain momentarily. He knew it was foolish and damaging, but he still had not figured out how to stop.  
“I love you, Phil.”  
Phil just squoze him a little tighter, he wouldn't utter the words back at least not in this context. “Sleep.” he whispered, waiting for Dan to fall asleep. Phil wasn't heartless, he would never leave Dan alone to fall asleep after they had had sex, however, he wouldn't allow himself to be in Dan's bed when the morning arrived. This would be far too cruel because it would mean something entirely different to Dan and perhaps even give him false hope. As gently as he could, Phil untangled himself and went back to his own room.  
He knew the morning would hold misery and it was part of the reason he didn't want to do this anymore. With lines so blurred and broken hearts on the line, the hindsight always came when he was alone staring at his ceiling, praying to any deity that may be listening that he would wake up in love with Dan. He never did. The next day he awoke to the bathroom door closing and the shower start. Phil knew this was the start of a day of silence, regret, and pain. Rubbing he eyes he turned to his side and try to will himself back to sleep before the sobbing started. Dan didn't know Phil could hear him, but he could. The knife twisted harder into his stomach as he heard the first hiccups. He wouldn't do this again, he wouldn't listen to his best friends heart shatter, knowing he was the reason.  
“Damn it,” He said aloud as he struggled out of his duvet leaving his room. He hated himself, more each time this happened; He swore he would never do it again, yet he always did. Dan would be embarrassed and self-destructive today. He would be quiet, lost and trapped in his own head. This would remind Phil that his mental illness was still present, despite the progress he had made. This made what Phil was doing to Dan even worse, and he acknowledged it to himself every time he heard the sobs. He knew that he should be the strong one, make sure that Dan wasn't hurt or hurting himself with his behavior. After all, isn't that always what Phil had done? Still, Phil struggled, knowing he would have to hurt him as to not hurt him worse later. He still didn't have the restraint to do so.  
Phil saw Dan shortly after in the kitchen, but no words or eye contact were exchanged. Phil silently handed him a cup of coffee and let him alone. This is what Dan wanted, he knew without being told.  
When the sunset was when the words would be formed into a question that Phil could never answer, the nervousness swelled into his gut as the night approached. He knew.  
An hour later a soft knock came to his door. “Come in, Dan.” Phil sighed, he knew what was coming.“Phil,” Dan ran his hand through his hair. “I know I always do this. I just have to know,” His voice was angry, Phil knew deep down, Dan was gutted. He stayed quiet now; before he would try to placate Dan, but it only ended up in intense fighting. “Why am I not enough for you to love? What more can I do? I don't know how to do this shit.”  
“I know,” Phil said softly.  
“I hate myself for allowing this to keep happening.”  
“So do I.”  
“I wish I could be enough for you. I don't know what else I can do for you, Phil.”  
“We've been over this,” Phil said gently “You are perfect the way you are.”  
“But, not perfect enough for you to love me, am I?”  
“I do love you, Dan. You know that.”  
“Not like I love you.” He was practically shouting at this point.  
“No, not like you love me. I'm sorry.”  
“Yeah.” Dan's eyes turned cold and he turned his back to Phil. Phil knew this was to hide the tears flowing from his face. “I am such an idiot. I just, I need some space, Phil.”  
“Okay.”  
“Okay? “ He glared at Phil's blank expression. “Right, you don't love me.” Dan stormed out, slamming Phil's door. Phil allowed himself to cry. This wasn't ever what he thought of when those beautiful eyes piqued his interest. It was never thought of as the glasses were thrown back, the flirting starting or the clothes came off. The pain never was thought of as they cuddled after, but it was the biggest part of the entire process. It had the longest lasting effect on them both. Phil swore to himself this would be the last time. Next time he would say no, next time he wouldn't allow Dan's eyes to trick him. He wouldn't allow himself to do this again.  
Things went back to normal as they always did, within a few days that turned into months. It had been a long day of meetings and stress and Phil knew that Dan was not in a good place. When Phil tried to meet his eyes, they were of defeat and sadness. He tried to joke with Dan, make him laugh, but it didn't do any good. When they had arrived home, both retreated to their respective rooms until the sun went down. Phil met Dan in the kitchen looking for something to eat, he was pulling back from the refrigerator.  
“Hey, Phil?” He looked up and their eyes meet and there was that damned glint again. Phil swallowed hard. “Let's enjoy these?” He pulled out two bottles and smirked.  
“No.”  
“Please, Phil. It's been a shit day,” He stepped closer. “Please, I need this, I need you.” Phil tried not to meet his eyes, but when Dan set down the bottles, moved in front of him and pulled his face up so their eyes could meet, Phil knew he already has lost. “Just once more.”  
Phil took a deep breath, closed his eyes. He knew he should turn around, go back into his room and not continue the conversation. He knew he should think of tomorrow and the tears, but once more the later pain was not thought of. He tricked himself into believing that everything was fine and with a smile, he said softly, “Get the glasses, then yeah?” 

And because he loved Dan, he just couldn't say no.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this.  
> This is the first story I've really posted that is not happy and does not have a happy ending. It was a challenge for me, because of my own demons, so I hope it was okay.
> 
> Tumblr: septic84


End file.
